SO MAD!!

I am just so mad. In my town, our local drug store takes payments for our utility, phone and cable companies. I went to pay my bills and as I walked out there was a girl standing by my car, probably about 17 or 18 and about 9 months pregnant SMOKING A CIGARETTE!!! I just was shaking with anger. Why??? WHY would God allow someone like her to carry a baby to term when she has no more respect for her child's life and health than that and I have lost 2 doing every possible thing I could to keep them and myself safe and healthy.It is so unfair and makes me sick. I don't think I will ever be able to look at people in these circumstances and similar ones with a feeling of anger and resentment.I just don't get it.

INTERNET IS BACK!!

I'm so glad we've finally been able to get internet back. We decided to go with cable internet and got a very good deal on it. I am going to try commit to writing every day on this blog, even if its just a few sentences. I hope that maybe it will begin a type of ministry to those who are dealing with the heartbreak of miscarriage/fetal death.

No More Internet

Hey guys! The day finally came. We no longer have internet access at home. I will however be "trying" to do a post every week, but bear with me.

Thinking Too Much

Its getting closer to the due dates of my two little angels and as usual my mind is beginning to wander. Why is it so easy for some people to have babies? People who don't need them, people who don't want them. But for some of us, who really do want them... it is so difficult. Why? Not only have I lost 2 babies, but I have been unable to even conceive a third time. It just makes me so mad sometimes, so sad. I want a child more than anything in this world.

Changes

We have decided to cancel our internet in order to save more money each month. I'm not sure when it will be shutting off but after that point, I will be checking emails/blogs/etc. once a week at the library. I do hope I will be able to start do more blogging in the near future.

Craziness

I'm sorry that its been so long since I posted. Things have been crazy around here lately. My parents are moving, my husband is working odd hours and my allergies are in overdrive. I had every intention of posting something for Mother's Day but time just slipped away from me. So, Happy belated Mother's Day to everyone out there, whether your children are with you or with Jesus.

A Letter To Heaven

One of the rememberance ideas that we've used for our children is sending a "letter to heaven". You write a letter to your baby(ies) and then roll it up like a scroll. Then you take a helium balloon and tie the end string around the letter. Then you let it go wherever you like. Its a very sweet way to talk to your child, whether you have a gravesite or not. Beware though, we had to use a very small, thin piece of paper or else the balloon wouldn't lift it. Maybe there are different strengths of helium, I'm not sure. Just try out a few different types of paper first until you find one that works for you. I hope you'll try this idea. If anyone else wants to share something they've done, please do so.

Weekend

I hope everyone has a good weekend. I'll post again on Monday.

God Bless,

Jenny

Follow Your Heart

(Please note that there are details in this post that may be disturbing to some.)
Your child is your child no matter how big or small, whether 1 day pregnant or full-term. You are carrying a life. So why is it so hard for others to treat those of us who have lost a child as such? I believe the answer is ignorance. Its extremely hard to be compassionate in a situation that, unless you've experienced it yourself, very few people understand.
That being said... Grief is a very personal thing and embracing this is one of the first steps to healing. The trick is convincing yourself that its OKAY to be different. Its okay to follow your heart and do what you feel is right, regardless of what others say.
I was 25 years old and 9 weeks pregnant when we lost our first child. It happened so suddenly, over so quickly. But it the midst of my heartbreak, all I could think of was "What do I do now?". You see, I had had my miscarriage at home and as I sat there in the bathroom, I knew with every fiber of my being that I could not flush my baby down the toilet (like the doctor had basically suggested on the phone). She was our baby and we had bonded with her from the moment we knew she was there. (My hubby and I both believed that she was a girl--I'll go more into that later.) So I got a small container and put her in it and the next morning, my mom called the doctor's office for me. They put her through to a nurse (Christy) that dealt with grief counseling. My mom explained to her the situation and to our surprise she simply said "Would you like me to call a funeral home for you?". She did, and the funeral home took care of a small baby coffin and setting up a small graveside service at my family's plot and charged us only the tax on the coffin. NO ONE treated us as if we were crazy for wanting a service for our child and an immediate burden was lifted from my heart. I went in for a checkup before the funeral and talked with Christy. She gave me lots of great advice and basically told me that nothing I felt like doing was wrong or crazy. She said if we felt in our hearts, that she was a girl, to give her a name. So, my husband and I picked out a name for our daughter--Abigail Grace. And we bought a headstone for her, made of pink granite with her name and the date and a little baby angel on it.
My point is this... know that if you want to name your baby, you can. If you want to have a service, you can. If your loss is not recent, you can order a garden stone or plaque and put it in your garden, plant a flower, anything you want. Its also not too late to name your baby. These simple things can help bring tremendous closure, if you feel they're right for you. Having a grave to visit, to bring flowers on their birthday or a simply plaque or figurine in your house. It helped me so much to feel like I could grieve like anyone else who loses a loved one.
That being said, know that it WILL NOT make you a bad person if you don't do any of these. As I said before, grief is personal, people are different and that's not a bad thing. The important thing is to do what you and your family feel is right for your situation. I will be doing more posts in the future with Abby's complete story, and also Nick's story. I will also be doing some posts about other ideas for memorials, rememberance ideas and tributes for our babies. Until then, please share your ideas with me or if you would like some ideas sooner, please let me know.

A Poem

Heaven's Nursery
Author: Unknown

In Heaven there must surely be
A special place,a nursery
Where 'little spirits' not fully grown
Go to live in their Heavenly home.

The angels must attend with love
Tiny spirits on wings of doves,
The choir of angels must sing lullabies
Maybe quiet their tiny cries.

The Father must come by each day
To cuddle and play in a special way
These tiny spirits left earth too soon
Little ones called Home from the womb.

These sparks of life did not perish
But came to the Father's love to cherish,
To grow and be taught in his own arms
Safely away from all earthly harm.

The comforter was sent to earth at once
To the parents who lost their little one
Their hearts so ache,their arms feel empty
The question 'why' seems so tempting.

Then all at once in the midst of tears
There comes a peace that stills the fears
The parents share the Father's own need
To hold their tiny spirit being.

They relinquish their own desperate hold
And release their baby to the Father's fold,
Then comes an angel to whisper the truth
Of a nursery in Heaven bearing rich fruit.

Of tiny spirits chosen to worship the Father
A place that couldn't be filled by another,
Called to be spared from the struggles of earth,
Chosen to be one of Heaven's births.

So Father,whisper words of love from me
To our unborn 'life' in your nursery

Welcome

I hope you will all bear with me as I am very new to blogging. I've recently felt led by the Lord to share my experiences with the 2 angels I lost and try to help others out there. This site is under HEAVY construction and will probably be that way for a while. In the mean time, anyone who'd like to leave a comment, introducing themselves or asking questions, please feel free. I will try to put up a short post every other day if possible, then every day once the site is completely finished. I hope that God will use this site to bless everyone who reads it.