Follow Your Heart

(Please note that there are details in this post that may be disturbing to some.)
Your child is your child no matter how big or small, whether 1 day pregnant or full-term. You are carrying a life. So why is it so hard for others to treat those of us who have lost a child as such? I believe the answer is ignorance. Its extremely hard to be compassionate in a situation that, unless you've experienced it yourself, very few people understand.
That being said... Grief is a very personal thing and embracing this is one of the first steps to healing. The trick is convincing yourself that its OKAY to be different. Its okay to follow your heart and do what you feel is right, regardless of what others say.
I was 25 years old and 9 weeks pregnant when we lost our first child. It happened so suddenly, over so quickly. But it the midst of my heartbreak, all I could think of was "What do I do now?". You see, I had had my miscarriage at home and as I sat there in the bathroom, I knew with every fiber of my being that I could not flush my baby down the toilet (like the doctor had basically suggested on the phone). She was our baby and we had bonded with her from the moment we knew she was there. (My hubby and I both believed that she was a girl--I'll go more into that later.) So I got a small container and put her in it and the next morning, my mom called the doctor's office for me. They put her through to a nurse (Christy) that dealt with grief counseling. My mom explained to her the situation and to our surprise she simply said "Would you like me to call a funeral home for you?". She did, and the funeral home took care of a small baby coffin and setting up a small graveside service at my family's plot and charged us only the tax on the coffin. NO ONE treated us as if we were crazy for wanting a service for our child and an immediate burden was lifted from my heart. I went in for a checkup before the funeral and talked with Christy. She gave me lots of great advice and basically told me that nothing I felt like doing was wrong or crazy. She said if we felt in our hearts, that she was a girl, to give her a name. So, my husband and I picked out a name for our daughter--Abigail Grace. And we bought a headstone for her, made of pink granite with her name and the date and a little baby angel on it.
My point is this... know that if you want to name your baby, you can. If you want to have a service, you can. If your loss is not recent, you can order a garden stone or plaque and put it in your garden, plant a flower, anything you want. Its also not too late to name your baby. These simple things can help bring tremendous closure, if you feel they're right for you. Having a grave to visit, to bring flowers on their birthday or a simply plaque or figurine in your house. It helped me so much to feel like I could grieve like anyone else who loses a loved one.
That being said, know that it WILL NOT make you a bad person if you don't do any of these. As I said before, grief is personal, people are different and that's not a bad thing. The important thing is to do what you and your family feel is right for your situation. I will be doing more posts in the future with Abby's complete story, and also Nick's story. I will also be doing some posts about other ideas for memorials, rememberance ideas and tributes for our babies. Until then, please share your ideas with me or if you would like some ideas sooner, please let me know.